As you can imagine raining a large bomb of free candy over a crowd of 14 year olds also gave me some temporary classmate approval. If there’s one thing kids like, it’s free sugar and if there’s another thing they like, it’s physics based explosions.

Godspeed sandwich man 🫡

Brett is in court today for this walk-by sandwiching of what turned out to be a Border Patrol agent, not an FBI agent, and the trial reporting is full of amazing quotes. [link] #freebrett

Big day at U.S. District Court in D.C. where Sean Dunn Brett Afloweroutofstone, the D.C. Sandwich Guy, is on trial for misdemeanor assault of a federal officer. Border Patrol agent Gregory Lairmore is on the stand narrating surveillance video of the sammie toss. 'Now he’s struck me with the sandwich,' Lairmore says.

Border Patrol agent Lairmore testifies that he was not injured by the sandwich, but he felt the impact through his ballistic vest. The sandwich came apart and "kind of exploded" on his chest upon impact, he says. "I could smell the onions and mustard."

Defense tells judge they want to question Lairmore about 'gag gifts' he received from fellow officers after the alleged assault, including a Subway sandwich plush toy and a patch that (unless I misheard) said 'Felony Footlong.' Prosecutors object. Defense argues they reflect CBP 'state of mind.'

Defense is now questioning Lairmore on cross-examination. They show a video still of the sandwich and wrapper on the ground, post-throw. "Do you recognize that sandwich?" the attorney asks. Lairmore won't confirm. "I did not go back to collect it," he says.

The defense team presses Lairmore on whether the sandwich really 'exploded.' They return to the photo of the sandwich and wrapper on the ground. "That sandwich hasn't exploded at all, has it?" defense asks. "It looks like a little bit is coming out towards the bottom," Lairmore replies.

Lairmore testifies that other agents gave him a plush sandwich toy, which he placed on the shelf in his office, and a patch that said "Felony Footlong," which he put on his lunch box. Lairmore has chuckled with the rest of us at times. Defense really trying to underscore the unseriousness of it all

Not guilty! Feds had to downgrade his charges and they still failed to get a jury to convict #I’mFree

NPR:

Subway sandwich thrower found not guilty in D.C. jury rebuke

A bystander's video captured Sean Charles Dunn in August calling federal officers racists and fascists. He thought they were about to do an immigration raid at a gay nightclub on Latin Night.

HE CONFESSED TO THE CHIVE FRAUD

context for the people not following along with chivegate: chopping a cup of chives is a pretty standard test of a chef’s knife skills, so about a month ago a redditor on r/KitchenConfidential started cutting a cup of chives every day until reddit says they’re perfect. he quickly became a wildly popular character, his chives posts regularly hit the front page of reddit. ah what happy larks we’ve had. chive montage break.

but earlier today someone posted that for the past two days he had posted the same cup of chives, just a different photo and flipped. investigation, accusation, excuses, and despair followed in the comments. a few hours later the chivelord himself posted an apology, stating that he had been having car trouble and was unable to get and chop chives and had been too embarrassed skip a day. he offered to submit to the most-upvoted reasonable punishment, which as of right now is, in second place, buying a tripod and posting videos of him chopping his chives, and in first place, simply sitting with the weight of his betrayal

Has a Chinese son, names him bèng-dá, and he hates me

My beloved son 䨻龘 just trying to write his name in kindergarten